The Value of "True" Friends

People who claim to be friends but judge a person solely on past missteps and mistakes rarely contribute to the quality of a person's life in the long run. In fact, they can actually drag a person down. On the other hand, people who take the time and go to the effort to truly get to know a person, what they actually stand for, and stand by them and support them as long as they are living today in accordance with a positive set of values, and are honest and open enough to respectfully challenge their friends' thinking and actions... that's more likely a "true" friend and someone who can make a person's life richer in many ways, both today and in the future. And true friends are worth infinite times more than their weight in gold. Cherish the true friends. Life is short, fragile, and very precious. Think carefully about which friendships you invest your time and energy in, as it can be the single greatest determining factor in the quality of your life.
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"It Just Might Be..." -- Starting Your Partner's Day on a Sweet Note

If you wake up in the morning and the first thing you want to do is tell your partner "I love you" or take just a moment to leave her or him a simple little "I love you" note on Facebook, or in a message, or a cell phone text message, or perhaps a written note stuck on the bathroom mirror or somewhere for her or him to discover and smile about -- before you spend time sending everyone else in the world messages about what you're doing, how you're feeling, what's on your mind, etc., then it just might be that you're really in love.

How easy it is to get so caught up in the "busyness" of life. But when we catch ourselves saying things like "I'm sorry, I just didn't have time..." when our partner wonders why we don't have time for the little things, yet looking back we see the hours and hours we so easily spend on things like social networking sites and other things that often don't contribute as much to the quality of our life as our partner is trying to, then perhaps it's time to pause and reflect on our priorities. That's why I'm such an advocate of things like "no cell phone dates," which I shared my thoughts on in a past post on this same blog, and limiting the amount of time idly spent browsing the internet or just goofing around on social networking sites.

Online friends are great. And admittedly some of them are in actuality "real life," everyday friends. I'm all for keeping in touch with them and enjoying that sort of interaction. But I'm also a huge advocate of putting our face-to-face relationships first and not letting the energy and effort that should go into the relationships we want to last a lifetime and to be our safe harbor be sacrificed to things that won't be what (or who) really sees us through the hard times. As Goethe said "Things that matter most should never be at the mercy of things that matter least." The day I tell my partner "I just don't have time" but I spend hours in online exchanges with people who aren't as significant a part of my life as my partner -- please -- someone slap me really, really hard.

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated it eloquently when he said "What you are shouts so loudly in my ear I cannot hear what you say." To put it in our more modern terms, it's easy to talk the talk. But walking the walk takes effort. It takes thinking with both the mind and the heart. It takes asking ourselves "How would such-and-such make ME feel if I were looking at it from my partner's perspective."

What we do (and what we don't do) speaks volumes about which people and what things are really most important to us. It shows. It matters. Thinking about that and truly acting on it can make a big difference in our own lives and the lives of those we truly love. A bigger difference than most people realize. It's the little things that make a big difference. It never fails.

Want to experience it for yourself? Here's a little challenge:

Put yourself a note in a conspicuous place as a reminder to do the following. Tape it on your computer monitor or near your toothbrush. For ten days -- just ten consecutive days -- when you get up, make it one of the very first things you do to take just a minute (okay, maybe it will take all of two or at a stretch three minutes) to write a note, send a text, post a message, or send an e-mail that says "I love you." Try it and see what happens. If you're really brave do it for 30 days and watch what happens. After 30 days, it could become a habit -- the habit of investing the first moment or two of your day in a way that can have positive effects on the next 24 hours for that certain someone in your life (and yourself.) Truth is, habits like this can have a profound influence on the rest of your lives together.

If you actually engage in this little challenge, I invite you to revisit this blog and share how it felt to do it and what sort of reactions you might have gotten from it.

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Find Out Who Your Friends Are

This morning I find myself thinking on the issue of getting advice from friends. More specifically, I'm thinking about WHICH friends we get our advice from regarding different areas of our lives.

As en example, if you want to have a happy, lasting marriage, which of your friends would you seek out to talk to about marital issues? Think about this for a moment...

If you spend your time talking about marital issues with friends who are not and have never been in a truly happy, lasting marriage, what sort of advice do you think they are likely to give you? Chances are they will encourage you to do things that people seem to think are okay to do -- in an UNHAPPY relationship. It's likely that if you're handling situations in ways that could be handled better by doing things differently than you are now, these friends WON'T look at you and say "Maybe that's not such a good idea. That could be part of the problem. Have you ever thought about doing (???) instead?" It's not that you shouldn't be friends with these people. But always keep in mind that there might be other people out there who can give you at least a little better advice.

Using the example of marital issues, do you have friends who have been happily married to the same person for 10 years? 20? 30? Ask yourself (honestly) how much time you spend bouncing ideas off of them and listening to their advice (even if it seems to be in the form of casual conversation, there might be some advice buried in there.) If you'd estimate that you spend 1/10th the time talking with these people (especially about relationship issues) that you do talking with friends who have a history of divorces, cheating between spouses, abusive, dysfunctional relationships, you might be setting yourself up for failures and not even realize it.

I see the same theory applying to work: seek out work and career advice from people with a history of being happily employed and being good employees and team members, not from "job hoppers" who tend to get fired or quit jobs often.

Raising kids? Do you think someone who has no kids (or teenagers) or does have kids but they all ended up in juvenile detention is the right person for parenting advice? Or would you perhaps be a little better off to get such advice from people who have raised kids with less history of problems -- kids that graduated high school, maybe attended college, and have settled into happy, productive, highly functional lives?

Sometimes we get stuck in patterns of counterproductive behavior. (Especially) when our behavior patterns and decision making are based on what we found ourselves doing in unhappy, failed relationships, or bad job situations, or nightmare child-rearing situations, we begin to justify repeating those behaviors and decisions in present situations and by doing so we end up making the situation worse instead of doing things and making choices that could actually improve the situation. Toss in a friend or two who (with a good heart but poor experience) actually supports our dysfunctional behaviors and decisions, making comments like "Oh, honey, I'd have done exactly the same thing. That's showing them!" and those comments make us feel validated and justified; whereas, maybe what we needed to hear was more like "I don't think that was the wise thing to do. If you want trust in your marriage, the worst thing to do is get upset about something and sneak around or hide stuff. That's guaranteed to tear your relationship apart."

True friends challenge us to rise to the occasion and be our best. They don't just "accept us as we are" when we're doing things that could wreck our lives. At the least, a true friend who has never been in a good relationship, or had a job they loved for a long time, or raised kids without excessive issues, will look at you and honestly say "I don't think I'm the person you ought to talk to about that. Maybe you should talk to so-and-so, because she's got a little better track record there."

We worry a lot about who our kids hang around. Why? Because we know that if they hang around certain kids a lot, they will adopt some of their behaviors. If we know a kid's a troublemaker or drinks or does drugs, etc., we don't want our kids picking up those same behaviors, do we? Do you think the phenomenon of picking up bad behaviors and ideas from others stops when you're no longer a kid? No longer a teenager? No longer in your 20's? No. It never stops.

I am not suggesting outright "dumping" all your friends. But I am suggesting that we (we, not just others -- I am trying to digest my own thoughts here, too) think about WHICH FRIENDS are the right ones to get advice and support from, and which ones are better suited for discussing other (or less serious) matters in life. If you don't have friends with a history of great marriages, careers, child-rearing, etc., think about the implications of that, then look around. There are people out there that could become your friends and enrich your life in the short-term and long-term.

You can't pick your parents. But you can pick who it is you surround yourself with and get influenced by.
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Inspiration, Purpose, and Unlimited Potential

"When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be." -- Patanjali.

I do not believe any further explanation is needed. Just read the above paragraph (again) and let it sink in.

-- Dan Gunter --
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How to Avoid Trust Issues In Relationships

Those of you who know me personally know that I do not profess to be the "expert" in relationships, management, etc. What I am, however, is a person who has picked up a lot of lessons in life -- some the easy way, some the hard way -- and is willing to share those so that perhaps someone else's day goes a little better, or maybe a relationship can be made just a tiny bit better. We all want those things, right? To wit, sometimes what I share is brought to the surface by recent events in my own life. I simply figure that while it's on my mind I'll write it down and share it with you, my friends. Not only is it cathartic, but it helps ME to understand the ideas and lessons even better, along with my own thinking. As E.M. Forster put it, "How can I know what I think until I see what I say?"

Today, I am pondering the importance of what we often consider to be "little," trivial things. Often, what we often consider to be insignificant -- be it a promise not kept, a task around the house not taken care of, a detail not handled in our job, etc. -- while seeming trivial to us, is actually very important to someone else. Whether it affects their feelings or interferes with their ability to in turn do their job, if we aren't aware of and/or don't take into consideration how another person perceives our actions (or lack thereof), we can easily set the stage for major problems. It might be a problem with a coworker, a customer, our friends, our kids, our spouse -- any number of possibilities.

Things happen. Life deals us our fair share of critical situations that interfere sometimes with our ability to keep our word or do the things expected of us (or things we've promised... and let's face it, if you make a promise, the person you made it to SHOULD expect you to keep it.) But what about those times when we simply get caught up in other things and neglect those little things that we said we'd do? We should understand how that can affect others. It's like saying "You're not important enough for me to keep my word." The other person might not tell us that's what they're thinking, but that is EXACTLY what they perceive it to mean more often than we realize.

Over time, such seemingly minor violations of trust add up. The other person can easily start to feel that if we can't be trusted to keep our word on seemingly small, easily handled matters, what will happen when something really huge comes our way? Of course they will have problems trusting us. And we in turn easily project, saying "You have trust issues." Doggone right they do. The issue is that we've given them ample reason to doubt that they can trust us. It's really that simple.

So what do we do to avoid having giant problems occur in the arena of trust? Simple. Be trustworthy. I've often referred to Dr. Steven Covey's teachings on the "emotional bank account." If you aren't familiar with that, I urge you to read his "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." It's one of the most potentially life-changing and life-improving books I've ever come across. And trust me (!) I've read many.

If I tell a client I'll call him back at 1 p.m., I want him to expect that call. And I expect of myself nothing less than to be dialing the phone. If I do that consistently, on that one occasion out of a hundred when something major really does prevent me from keeping my word, his past experience with me will lead him to think "That's not like Dan. Something really important must have come up. I know he'll call me as soon as he's able to." If, on the other hand, I make it a habit not to call him when promised, I certainly have no right to be upset with him if he says "That's normal with Dan. He never does what he says he's going to." Nor should I be terribly surprised or offended when he drops me for another consultant who just happens to have a reputation for keeping his word.

The same principle applies in our marriages and every relationship in our lives.

Want to avoid the B-I-G problem of trust issues? Be trustworthy.
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Determination

There once was a young boy who spent countless childhood hours bedridden. Severe asthma limited his ability to play like other kids, and as he lay in bed struggling to breathe, he was afraid to go to sleep for fear he would not wake up. His younger brother, Elliott, became his protection against neighborhood bullies. Yet he was determined to become strong mentally and physically. His desire to become self-sufficient fortified him through a daily exercise routine and hours of weight lifting. He became an avid reader and absorbed books on every conceivable subject. Later, as a Harvard student, he became known for his energy and enthusiasm. Eventually, he became quite widely known by everyone and his name is forever written in the history books. His name was Theodore Roosevelt.

When you put things into perspective, given that most of us are struggling with day-to-day issues that are not life threatening -- unlike the challenges young Teddy Roosevelt faced -- it becomes clear that determination is a key ingredient in how far we go in life and the legacy we leave behind.

I hope all of you have an Excellent day.

Dan Gunter
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The Root of Persuasion

Recently I've been engaged in a lot of think about how you really get others to consider your way of thinking. Sometimes you just want them to understand WHY you feel a certain way. At other times, it might be critical to steer them to change their ways of doing things.

We all know that forcing, cajoling, and using "carrot and stick" approaches won't work. At best, that yields temporary compliance. Before long, they revert back to the same, ineffective, obstructive, or possibly destructive thought and behavior patterns and the cycle starts all over again. So what can we do to actually persuade others to really "buy into" different ideas and techniques in ways that will produce lasting change and better results?

Everything I've reviewed that seems to be even remotely credible or feasible has one common denominator -- one factor that is missing in all the "techniques" that are quite obviously bogus: the common (and quite likely THE KEY FACTOR) is HONESTY.

Don't focus all your effort on creating a sales pitch for your ideas. Don't make up horror stories and threaten employees. And don't count on prizes and monetary awards alone. Instead, put your heart into it. Get real with those you are trying to convince. If you are sharing ideas based on your own experience -- especially if that experience was a time when you seriously screwed something up and paid dearly for it -- humble yourself and share that experience, including the painful details. People have a surprising way of suddenly listening to the things you share when they sense you have put pride, rank, and other factors aside and simply "opened up" to them.

I once watched the ongoing destruction of a workplace team at a Cracker Barrel restaurant. The people on the team had reached the point that no matter what the retail manager told them, they automatically assumed that the manager's motives were never "good customer service," or "the right thing to do." Instead, they always suspected that this manager had ulterior motives of her own. The manager would tell all her employees things like "We're way off our sales targets and the company is threating to..." and spin tales of horror. Next thing they'd know, this same manager would be gone for a few days on little "vacation" or "getaway." What the employees finally discovered was that the manager was winning these trips -- they were her prizes for sales contests. What do you think eventually happened? Sales DID fall below goals. Consistently. The employees, who were being threatened into achieving goals for the manager's benefit while not being rewarded themselves (and being subjected to further threats) quit performing. The problem was two-fold: the people actually DOING the work weren't the ones being rewarded; even worse; the manager lost credibility with her employees. Had she been truthful with them about why she was pushing to make those sales AND taken steps to in return reward the team for a job well done, she would have stood a chance at sustaining high sales numbers and high customer service levels.

In summary, if you want to be persuasive, don't be deceptive. Lead from the heart and with honesty and openness.

"To be persuasive, we must be believable; to be believable, we must be credible; to be credible, we must be truthful." -- Edward R. Murrow.

Have a fantastic day!
Dan Gunter
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