Can two people disagree and both be right?

I came across something this morning that started me thinking about the issue of disagreements between people. In essence, the question was raised "Can two people disagree and both be right?" The answer to that question is a resounding "Yes."

It has been aptly said that we each see life through our own lens. We interpret the world and make our decisions about life based on our own experiences, intentions, and values. We sometimes find ourselves in disagreement with someone because our "take" on the situation differs from theirs. So who's right in such a situation? Quite often, BOTH people are right. Each is looking through their own, individual lens at the situation and feels the need to take action based on their own needs. Unfortunately, life often calls for both people to act in some sort of accord, which seems to pose a problem because you can't have it both ways. This is where a real shift in thinking must take place.

First, both people must consciously come to realize that the situation calls for a higher level of thinking - a level at which each person can somehow satisfy their needs AND allow the other person to do the same. This may seem impossible at first and, admittedly sometimes it may very well be impossible, but such cases are actually rarer than one might think. Operating out of the mindset that it is NOT impossible, changing our level of thinking is the key to two people (or even a whole group of people) reaching that magical point of "synergy" where everyone has their needs met.

Second, everyone involved must explicitly agree that the situation calls for a shift in energy. It is absolutly essential that everyone stop investing energy in fighting for his or her "cause." It may only seem natural to go to battle with a specific objective in mind, but that is false thinking. What is important - indeed necessary - is the ability to search for answers and solutions that will satisfy everyone and that can not and will not happen until everyone is willing to "stop the train" and shift their energy to searching for mutually beneficial solutions. This is when the real magic starts to happen.

Third, everyone must be willing to be vulnerable for a little while. This is not the same as voluntarily becoming "weak" or "passive." Instead, it means being willing to openly share your own needs and concerns and at the same time REALLY LISTEN to and UNDERSTAND the other side's needs and concerns. Until you are willing to actually do this, you are doing nothing more than fighting for your own cause and you've forced the situation back to a point where it is probably unsolvable. The beauty of actually listening to the other side's needs and concerns is that you might very well start to see at least a tiny shift in your own thinking. This "stage" of the "process," to loosely use these terms, is where many people often find that they have been dealing with what is known as a "false dichotomy." A false dichotomy is a situation in which it seems there are only two choices on the table when there are probably numerous possible solutions... if not an INFINITE number of solutions. So often we fail to uncover/discover the other possible solutions because all our energy is spent of standing our own ground.

Fourth, everyone involved must "suspend their assumptions." For an in-depth discussion on this idea, I would refer the reader to the writings of Peter Senge, et al, in a couple of marvelous books: "The Fifth Discipline" and "The Fifth Discipline Fieldbook." But for purposes of this discussion, please understand that "suspending" our assumptions does NOT mean "stopping" or "pausing." Instead it is best described as sort of hanging them on a thread in front of us for everyone to hear, look at, and consider. And I do mean consider... I DON'T mean "shoot down" or necessarily adopt, either. Each person must be given the opportunity to openly state his or her needs. EACH ONE... Capital letters, emphasized, underscored... E-A-C-H O-N-E. Until everybody's real needs are understood, the best solutions will not show themselves. It just doesn't happen. Let me share with you a little bit of Native American tradition, here...

In Native American Councils, "Hoops," or "Circles" (gatherings for in-depth dialog) a talking stick is often used. Used in conjunction with the talking stick is the "answering feather." A brief aside is due here: dialog (from the ancient Greek "dia" + "logos") means everyone truly SHARES and EXPLORES equally. This is not the same as "discussion," which traced backed to its origin is more akin to "bombardment." What we are after here is true DIALOG, so let's stop using the term "discussion" from here on out. Now, back to the talking stick and answering feather...

The talking stick is passed around the "hoop" or group. Only the person who is holding the stick is allowed to speak at that moment. He or she is allowed to fully express their thoughts and concerns. If someone has a question or needs clarification or further information from the speaker in order to better understand what he or she is expressing, they must hold up the answering feather. It's sort of like raising your hand in a meeting or a class, except that traditional Native Americans take this courtesy VERY SERIOUSLY. That may sound similar to the expected courtesies in meetings today, but there is one significant difference: a Native American would EXPECT someone to raise the answering feather. He or she knows that not everyone fully understands the thoughts being shared until they in turn share their need for further information. Too often in meetings today, we assume that everyone else has enough information to understand us, or even worse (and perhaps more often) we get defensive if someone raises a question or asks for more information. This is a very common problem which stems from another underlying (and dangerous) assumption: the idea that if someone asks a question it means that they are attacking our position, when it is very likely they are not. Unfortunately, this errant assumption that QUESTIONS = ATTACKS frequently ruins any possible chance of real dialog and problem solving. Why? Because this assumption automatically throws us back to "discussion" and thinking we must defend our individual positions.

The talking stick and answering feather are passed around until EVERYONE is satisfied that their ideas have been fully shared and everyone feels that they have all the information that they need to understand and consider everyone else's concerns. This may sound like a lengthy process, but it is rarely so. Even better, by investing the time for real dialog in the beginning, much time is saved in the long-run. It cuts WAY down on how much time is spent clearing up misunderstandings and disagreements that arise later because something was left out. I have attended many Native American hoops, and I can assure you with absolute certainty that this idea is NOT unwieldy or time consuming. It does not lead to "paralysis by analysis," because the people involved in the dialog - with a little experience and thinking - stop getting so easily distracted and getting caught up on wild tangents that just aren't necessary. It is very focused. And the focus comes from (and only WHEN) all the dialog participants are truly willing to get out of the "attack and defend" mode and shift to the mode of asking "What other possibilities might exist here?" This question just doesn't arise in people's minds and can't when they are spending their energy formulating attacks and defenses to what is being said.

Fifth, the question must be openly raised: "What other possibilities are there for us, besides the ones we thought before were our ONLY choices?" If everyone involved reaches this point, which is possible even with groups that have a strong history of warfare, although it takes time and practice (and possibly a little (or a lot of) neutral "coaching), some marvelous things can happen and people can begin to "soar" in the skies of problem-solving. Although some of them might be "hacks," there are really good "dialog facilitators" out there who can and will help individuals and groups through the process. It is a good investment to bring a neutral facilitator in, especially when dealing with issues that have been particularly "touchy" or volatile in the past... or when the participants have a strong history of warfare.

It is possible for people to disagree and everyone be "right" - at least from their own perspectives. With a little learning and practice (and maybe a little help from time to time) the possibilities for solving problems and dealing with seemingly nasty, thorny dilemmas grow exponentially.

I send up prayers for all my brothers and sisters for peace, love, happiness, and prosperity in life. May the Creator and the Spirits gift us all abundantly with these.

- Whispering Eagle, October 11, 2007 -
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To thine own self be true...

I have been thinking a lot recently about how easily we get caught up in the trap of letting the opinions of other people in our lives affect our opinions of ourselves and our self-esteem. It's so easy to become miserable, worrying and fretting over the things other people are saying about us and the ways they act toward us.

In the words of Marcus Aurelius:

"I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others."

I still have a long way to go, but I have also come a long way in my own life in terms of being comfortable in the knowledge of who I am and what I stand for in life. To that end, I am happy with who I truly am and I seek to share myself and my life with my soulmate and lifetime companion. I will not let the opinions of others - opinions that are more often than not based on very little fact or knowledge of who I really am or what I truly stand for - cause me to think that I am somehow unworthy of the blessings that the Creator/God has sent to me in life.

The Creator/God did not intend for love, joy, miracles, and true happiness to be reserved for a few select people in the Universe. He put all that is here into this Universe for all. It's up to us to connect (or re-connect) with that force, that energy that He so intended to flow through everyone and everything.

I am not only seeking that positive energy, I am experiencing it. I still have "problems" and issues come along in life just like everyone else. The B-I-G difference is that I get through them by knowing what my purpose is in life: to be a loving, supportive man who tries every day to live a life that is honorable and supportive of his soulmate and companion. With that as a "measuring stick," I can stand proud in the knowledge that I am doing what I was sent here to do.

It is my prayer that each of you who read this will consider what I have shared and that it will cause you to think a little harder about what it is you stand for in life and in turn cause you to be a little less sensitive to the opinions of everyone else around you. The opinions of others do not say anything at all about who you are... it only illuminates who they are and how they choose to think and react to things.
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Receiving the gift of joy from giving...

Recently, I have been shown in my own life the true joy of what must be the greatest paradox of all time: the greatest gift you can receive is the gift that comes from giving to someone else.

I am very blessed and fortunate to be sharing my life with someone who, like myself, gets great joy from sharing love and "being there." A couple of days ago, this point was brought home very strongly to me. I had a really rough day at work. When the day was over, I spent time with my loving soulmate who listened intently to what I had to say and vent. When I was finished releasing my thoughts to her, all I wanted to do was show her how much I care and how wonderful she is. I have been thinking about that evening a great deal. It "drove home" the notion to me that I receive my greatest happiness and contentment with life and the Universe when I am giving to her. I all but completely forgot about how rough my work day had been and found myself enjoying the simple pleasures in life as we walked a trail near a lake, hand-in-hand, just sharing our love, thoughts, and time with one another.

It is in my prayers that everyone can find such a place in their lives and come to know that tremendous pleasure and rewards that come from giving yourself completely to that one person you know you want to spend the rest of your life with.
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A quote on meditation...

This has been a very mixed and interesting week for me. I have had some fabulous moments, buffered by some really trying moments. Throughout all this, I have sought to both pray and meditate more than I usually do, largely out of necessity. And the answers are coming in by ways quite unexpected yet more beautiful and effective than I would have ever come up with using the purely "human" side of myself. Yes, miracles are taking place in my life and things are being revealed that are forever altering the course of my life for the better.

To that end, I would like to share a quote with my friends from the poet Franz Kafka, regarding the importance of stopping now and then - both physically and spiritually - to ALLOW the answers to reveal themselves:

"It is not necessary that you leave the house. Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet."
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The journey is as important as the destination...

I ran across something recently that resonates strongly in my heart and mind. It speaks of the importance of living each day with a keen sense of awareness of the blessings and beauty that surround us. For me, the greatest blessing by far is sharing my life with the woman I truly love, respect, trust, and admire. Yes, we have some "specific" dreams of what we want in the future, just as everyone does. But the thing that makes our relationship so very special, our bond so very strong, is our mutual appreciation of the other one for simply "being there." That said, I will share the quote that has been rolling around in my head for days. They are the words of one of my favorite authors/speakers, Dr. Wayne Dyer:

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It's to enjoy each step along the way.”

I can honestly and humbly say that just as much as I look forward to sharing the future with the most amazing, beautiful, and loving woman I have ever known, I very much enjoy and am thankful for every opportunity I get to show her - TODAY - how much I care.

I hope the above quote from Dr. Dyer will perhaps lead you to think, as I have, about the importance of appreciating the journey as much as the destination.
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The Power of Connecting to Your Purpose in Life

“When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.”

- Patanjali (Considered to be "The Father of Yoga.")
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Success Redefined

I was recently involved in a conversation that led to a brief discussion on what "success" really means. Without even thinking, I pointed out to a friend that success is not about how much money you make or how much status, prestige, or authority you gain. Rather, success is a matter of living your life - meaning personal, work, social, everything - in such a way that the person you love most in life always stands by you, trusts you, and encourages you to persevere, even when things get tough.

I have faced some really trying situations lately, most especially at work. I am thankful to have someone in my life who is there, everyday, to listen when I am frustrated or stressed out, and to remind me that as long as I do my best, I am successful in the ways that matter most.
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Today, I choose to be happy.

As hard as it might be for most people to understand, happiness is largely a matter of choice. If we want to be happy, the first thing we must do is make a conscious, active choice to be so. As for me, I have a plan as to where my life is going. I didn't have to sit and do a lot of in-depth analysis in order to devise this plan, because it was handed to me by the Creator (God). All I had to do was open myself to discovering it and then make the choice to live my life in harmony with it.

I now wake up every day knowing that whatever happens, whatever comes my way today, I will act, react, and live my life in ways that are in keeping with the Creator's plan. I will remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience, not a human being having a spiritual experience. When I lay down my head to sleep at night, I intend to be at peace with myself, knowing that I have thankfully and humbly lived this day as I was supposed to.

Knowing my life's purpose and knowing that I am empowered and guided by the Creator to carry out that purpose makes me very happy. I am truly at peace with life, the Universe and myself, because I have chosen to walk the path the Creator set forth for me. Doing so not only profoundly effects me, but others as well.

Today, I choose to be happy. And I am very thankful for everything the Creator has gifted me with, most especially a very special woman who is the center of my life. The awareness of this gift in particular - along with an awareness of the tremendous trust the Creator extends by entrusting me to love, care for, and support this wonderful lady - has changed my life forever.

Today I choose to be happy.
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Manifesting Simplicity - verse 81 of the Tao Te Ch'ing

81. MANIFESTING SIMPLICITY

The truth is not always beautiful,
nor beautiful words the truth.
Those who have virtue,
have no need of argument for its own sake,
for they know that argument is of no avail.
Those who have knowledge of the natural way
do not train themselves in cunning,
whilst those who use cunning to rule their lives,
and the lives of others,
are not knowledgeable of the Tao,
nor of natural happiness.
The sage seeks not to have a store
of things or knowledge, for he knows,
the less of these he has, the more he has,
and that the more he gives,
the greater his abundance.
The way of the sage is pointed
but does not harm.
The way of the sage
is to work without cunning.

- Translation courtesy of Stan Rosenthal.
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Satori and Living Life In Harmony with Purpose

"Satori" is a word from Zen, which translates roughly to an "instant awakening." This is something that can be experienced in any person's life, provided you are willing to give yourself over to the purpose for which you were placed in this Universe. We all tend to get caught up in the "busyness" of life, and so often forget that we exist for a purpose. For each individual, this "purpose" may be different. Once you discover it, however, amazing things happen. Seemingly insurmountable obstacles seem to shrink as you find solutions presenting themselves to you. Things you thought to be impossible not only become possible, but often seem to come to fruition as if a divine hand were reaching down and doing the hard work for you.

A person who has come to recognize and embrace his or her purpose in life should not expect life to be a bed of roses. There will be trials. There will be difficult times. There will be unexpected twists and turns. But when you begin to live your life in accordance with your intended purpose, solutions to problems will begin to come more readily. You will find that you have sources of strength that you did not have in your life before. There will be true meaning to life. You will find yourself more at harmony with the forces of the Universe - and with yourself.

I am not speaking here of what I "think" is possible for us to experience. Rather, I am speaking of what I "know" to be true. Since discovering my true purpose in life, I have noticed considerable changes in myself and the way I deal with life. Yes, I still face obstacles and trials. The difference lies in how I choose to view and face them. Instead of feeling overburdened and defeated, I simply stop occasionally to consider what is most important to me in life and what it is I am trying to accomplish. I weigh and judge all of my decisions, actions, and reaction on simple criteria, which boils down to the question "Is this in keeping with my purpose in life?"

Satori came to me when I realized my true purpose in life. It was as though a switch had been instantly flipped in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit. Everything I had ever experienced in life was suddenly put into perspective. I began to know exactly who I am, where I have been, and how my life is intended to be spent. Not MY intention, but the intention of the Creator - that divine force that we also refer to as God, or by other names, depending on your spiritual orientation. Life and the world around me have not appeared the same since. It is brighter, more colorful and filled with meaning. I live each day with the sole intention of being the person I was intended to be. My life is filled with happiness and good things that I give thanks to the Creator for many times a day. Even when it appears on the surface that life is dealing me some serious blows, I find myself getting through the difficult parts with a level of hope and determination that never before existed in my life.

I no longer feel like a passive victim, waiting for life's next blow. Instead, I live my life with passion, determination, patience, and strength - all based on the knowledge that I was intended to do something very important, meaningful, and beautiful. By living in harmony with that purpose, it also turns out that my life is now filled with happiness that far surpasses anything I had ever imagined.

When you live your life in accordance with your true purpose, the results end up being nothing short of miraculous, even if it takes a little time to start noticing those "everyday" miracles that are taking place.
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Abraham Lincoln on Having a Forgiving Spirit.

I just wanted to share the following words, penned by Abraham Lincoln, on the subject of forgiveness...

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. For too long, every ounce of forgiveness I owned was locked away, hidden from view, waiting for me to bestow its precious presence upon some worthy person. Alas, I found most people to be singularly unworthy of my valuable forgiveness, and since they never asked for any, I kept it all for myself. Now, the forgiveness that I hoarded has sprouted inside my heart like a crippled seed yielding bitter fruit. No more. At this moment, my life has taken on new hope and assurance. Of all the world’s population, I am one of the few possessors of the secret to dissipating anger and resentment. I now understand that forgiveness has value only when it is given away. By the simple act of granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing, and I create in myself a new heart, a new beginning. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

"I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person. I have wasted valuable hours imagining revenge or confusion. Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe. The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense. I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it. By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts. I give up my bitterness. I am content in my soul and effective again with my fellow man.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly. Knowing that slavery in any form is wrong, I also know that the person who lives a life according to the opinion of others is a slave. I am not a slave. I have chosen my counsel.

"I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what is best for the future of my family, and neither misguided opinion nor unjust criticism will alter my course. Those who are critical of my goals and dreams simply do not understand the higher purpose to which I have been called. Therefore, their scorn does not affect my attitude or action. I forgive their lack of vision, and I forge ahead. I now know that criticism is part of the price paid for leaping past mediocrity.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself. For many years, my greatest enemy has been myself. Every mistake, every miscalculation, every stumble I made has been replayed again and again in my mind. Every broken promise, every day wasted, every goal not reached has compounded the disgust I feel for the lack of achievement in my life.

"My dismay has developed a paralyzing grip. When I disappoint myself, I respond with inaction and become more disappointed. I realize today that it is impossible to fight an enemy living in my head. By forgiving myself, I erase the doubts, fears, and frustration that have kept my past in the present. From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny.

"I have forgiven myself.

"My life has just begun.

"I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness.

"I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly.

"I will forgive myself.

"I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit."

-- Abraham Lincoln
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